Our windows this month shine a glowing light on
Celebrating Our Failures.
While this blog will be hard to write and even more difficult to openly share with all of you. I believe that these personal failures are ones to be noted and celebrated. They not only helped to shape me. They have also taken me on some amazing self-discovery life journeyers that I would trade for the world.
I have a hard time forgiving myself. Those around me will forgive with ease, they will unconditionally love and support me no matter what. They will offer hugs and wipe my tears when I am in need. Yet for some reason, I am unable to free myself from the guilt long enough to fully enjoy a moment of forgiveness. I tend to judge myself and my shortcomings a lot harsher than others and for a lot longer than others. It's something I'm always working on. Over the years I have seen improvement within myself, but it is something that I have to continually be aware of because I find the moment that I forget is when I take 10 steps backward. I know I need to forgive myself just as easy as I forgive others. Although in truth it feels impossible sometimes. So in turn for growth and happiness. I keep working on remembering that perfection is unobtainable and that it is okay to mess up or fall flat on your face. I may have created a mess, but through that beautiful disaster. I can learn and grow.
I am always striving for something more, something better, moving forward and trying my hardest never to look back. However, there are times when I am completely and utterly exhausted from continually striving and forward movement. When realization moments hit of maybe I am taking things way to fast with too much-forced momentum. I uncover that I fail to allow myself to have acceptance. To accept that I can't always make things perfect. That I can't always reach that next huge step. Although not because it's too high nor because it's too much for myself to handle. Simply for the fact that it is just not possible at the moment or admittedly not humanly possible. When the world seems to say no to me. I tend to buckle down and drive with a forceful vengeance. Where if you are in the way no matter who you are, you better move because I will run you over. I may be exhausted, but if I want it then I'm going for it. While if said with a softer touch it might sound like I have a great work ethic, a strong drive, and a determined passion. When in truth I plainly I have no acceptance for myself. I have a tough time accepting what it because I am always striving for more. I find myself not accepting my successes fully because my mind says that there is something better out there so don't accept quite yet. This is a personal problem that I have to work through, but I find it so full of wonderful love. When those around me point out that I have to push myself to the max when it isn't necessary. I am learning to see things with a clear outlook and to accept when it is appropriate. I am learning that the answers aren't always the next big thing, it is acceptance of the situation and myself.
The ability to relax and take it easy escapes me. I typically fail to be in the moment. I think that as the years sneak past you it is just one of those things that one day you look up and realized you haven't been in a really relaxed state in an absurdly long amount of time. I have no idea when this moment happened to me. I can't place a single event or series of days where the ability to relax just switched off for me. It hurts a little because I really used to be fun and calm. I was carefree and spontaneous. Yet somehow the idea of fun or a calm mind make no appearance in my thoughts. Spontaneity for myself is occurring with less frequency. It is either sparked by another's desire or slightly planned. In truth I really miss the old me. Don't get me wrong I love who I am and I love myself, but I have noticed I take life way too seriously sometimes. I fail to relax and to live a little with careless spontaneous joy. I am continually working on remembering to not sweat the small stuff. To take time for myself to relax because I deserve it and I believe it is necessary for a life filled an abundant amount of happiness and joy.
If you have had a peek into some of those more secret things about myself. You will know that I am loud, that I cuss without shame, that I am hilariously clumsy, and that I do the most ridiculously dumb stuff all of the time. I even take the extra effort to share my mind-blowing what am I doing moments with my children because I need them to know that this is who I am and it is not a creation age and old time have crafted. I am not over exaggerating. For example, there was a span of three days where I confused my shampoo for my lotion. I know I am not the only one who doesn't read their bathroom product labels every day. Everything has a place and I trust that it is going to stay in its place so that I have no trouble finding it morning after morning. However, I underestimate my children. I believe at some point someone was cleaning or reorganizing and rearranged the products. Thoughts beyond oh how nice of them were the only ones that crossed my brain. No thoughts of maybe my lotion found a new home ever made its way into my thoughts. So here I was unknowing uses shampoo instead of lotion for 3 days. It took me 3 days before I realized the reason I am feeling sticky is that I am covering myself in shampoo. I hilariously suffered for 3 days until I decided that maybe I should read the bottle to see what's going on. It is comical events like this that I always make sure to tell my children. For if it ever happens again they need to just say, "yeah that's my mom" rather than them thinking the time is starting to make itself known. When things like this happen I do beat myself up a little bit because how can I be as old as I am and not immediately realize that 1 shampoo and lotion tend to have vastly different textures and 2 that it took me so long to read a very bold label. No matter my embarrassment or discouragement I need to remember that I have done insanely hilarious stuff like this my whole life. Such occurrences are not a phase or an effect from something else. It's just who I am. I fail to accept this when shame sweeps my heart that I lived three days covered in shampoo. While I may fail from time to time I am working on being me without shame, embarrassment, or discouragement.
Relationships are a lot of work. In fact, it doesn't matter how old the relationship is or how intimate they are. You and your partner have to put in work. I am not talking about putting in work when the going gets tough. I am talking about consistent productive work. New friendship for myself is a rare occurrence. For myself, they take a lot of time because I am not comfortable with outing my self out there without the trust that time builds. I fail at putting in the necessary work that it takes for a friendship to blossom and grow. Relationships are messy, they are crazy and wild, and filled with memorable moments that stick with you a lifetime. Although in order to receive such a reward you have to be willing to put the effort in. This is where I fail because I do not let people in. I may have failed in the past at being more open to possible new relationships with people, but I am actively trying every day to better myself and to be more open to the things that scare me.
I have a hard time letting things go. In fact I am the person who consistently cuts people out the moment they overstep the boundaries I set and well good luck figuring out my boundaries because those change all the time. It's a personal failure of mine. This fail isn't something that just affects myself. Sometime my children get caught in the cross hairs and have to miss out because of what I feel. We are all imperfect people and I need to remember that. I need to learn how to let go when it is appropriate and to not hold grudges when it's not necessary. Forgiveness is something I am working on and I am seeing myself forgive others with more ease, but no matter how hard I can forgive. I just as easily can not let go. I can not let go of the hurt, the betrayal, the words said, or the actions taken. While this is a failure I believe should be celebrated because each failure in it's own holds something sparkling and new. I am learning how to let go because I find that holding onto feels/thoughts only weight me down and as I said earlier I strive to be the carefree fun me I was way back when.
None of us are perfect by any means. We are all humans who make mistakes, feel intensely, do the wrong things, and even fall flat on our faces from naïve hope. None of these things make you foolish. They are apart of not only life but yourself. These characteristics teach your valuable lessons and help you to become the person you are meant to be. My personal failures can be phrased as fails at the end of each day, but they are such key fails in my life that I wouldn't be me without them. I still have a hard time forgiving myself, I find it tough to accept, relaxation seems impossible, proudly being all my dorky self sometimes embarrasses me, new friendship sparks fear in my heart and letting go of past events weight heavily on my heart. I am not perfect and I don't want to be. All of these personal failures are grand in their own crazy way. They deserve to be celebrated and highlighted because from them I am able to learn, to grow, and to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Life is a precious thing that I choose to not waste faulting myself for being human. I choose to celebrate them, to praise them, and to value them. As should you with your own because no matter your failures you are still a wonderful and deserving person that has every right to be happy and to live life with spontaneous and overwhelming joy.
What are some of your personal fails that should celebrated?
We would love to know more about how the
wonderfully amazing you was crafted.
Thavin & Marcob is a place where you are celebrated for being you!