It's normal to ignore or braise over your feelings. At times it is honestly just easier to pretend that something doesn't bother you as much as you care to admit. Simply pretending you're okay and maybe eventually one day you really will be. No matter how many times I wish for this emotional strategy to work, it doesn't. The more I let it go unnoticed the more it seems to weight with each passing day. My emotions regardless of there severity stack and stack pulling me down into the earth. Until finally I am physically unable to stop myself from feeling everything I was too stubborn and too scared to feel in the moment. When that freight train of emotion stops me dead in my tracks I know that it is time to stop, acknowledge the emotional pain I feel, give it proper validation, and give it my all to work through it in a healthy proactive manner.
To start my emotional healing I need to physically put myself in a safe environment where fear, uncertainty, and doubt don't exist. For my heart, soul, and I that place is the beach. It has always been the beach for me. I don't know what it is about the crazing waves, chilling breeze, and the cold sand. The beach calls for me to return home and the moment I set foot one foot down letting the breeze fully engulf me. I feel not only at peace, but like I am home. It feels as if it is where I belong. Which is why when it is time to put on my big girl pants and come face to face with my emotional demons the beach is where I instinctually go.
Ups & Downs
My emotions are up, down, swinging from the right and left, diving down deep, and skyrocketing to the clouds. It is like they are zooming around in my body banging on every organ, bone, and blood vessel inside of me trying at hyper speed to escape into the air that hugs the outside of my body. My overwhelming emotions don't just come from one emotion like sadness or anger. Instead, it is a dream catcher of interwoven emotions like pain, joy, relief, fear, regret, and defeat. I know that we all can be in our heads a little too much. Which is why I absolutely love music. The beats, rhythm, melody, and lyrics help to pull myself out of my own mind and help to give me the opportunity to undistractedly and consciously feel what I am feeling. As I walk along the water edge, I turn up the volume tuning out thoughts of what I think it is and tune into what emotional my new reality is provoking my heart and I to feel.
Catching Your Breath
Anxiety attacks are no laughing matter. I have experienced some that hit so hard I truly believed that death was at my door. If felt as if my heart could not take another moment of the jackhammer-like pounding happening in my chest. The shortness of breath ensures the feeling of drowning on dry ground is not only possible it's how I'm going to go out. If you have ever had the experience of an anxiety attack then you know what I'm talking about. It's frustrating to know you yourself are causing it, yet you yourself are completely unable to stop it or even prevent it from happening. Catching your breath can feel like the most impossible task you have ever encountered. Gloom and panic start to loom right overhead as if you'll never catch it. It's these moments that really remind me how important it is to take time to calmly breathe and to enjoy each breath. As much as I want to bury, push away, and shove down my feelings. I have to remember that this method doesn't get rid of them. It just simply puts a temporary band-aid on a wound that obviously is in need of stitches. As much as it feels like it life doesn't stop. I still have to work, I still have to be a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter. The titles and obligations don't stop just because I want them too. They are still there glaring at me with all the demands that they hold. Although when the moment comes when I am at a loss for air, I have to remind myself to stop, to listen to what my body is telling me, to allow myself to unashamedly feel, to simply catch the breath I didn't feel leave my lungs.
Healing Isn't Always Pretty
I walk off the pressure of life along the ocean's edge with my tunes energetically flowing. With each step my feet leaving behind an indent my speed increases. I am in no way trying to run away. It is more like I have walking into a clearer and clearer mind frame with every step further I take on the beach.
With my heart and soul finally home and an unclouded mind now present. Tears start streaming down my face. I don't when they started or how they started. I just know that they are there. With each tear that falls and every stride, I take I can feel myself start to regain control. As the sight of my car comes into view, I know that I am proactively healing. I am doing what I need to do to let go of the painful past, the guilt, and forgiving myself for being human. It's a slow process and I'm sure if someone were to run into me while I'm out there healing. They would agree that healing isn't always pretty and that's okay.
We All Cope Differently
Our experiences help shape us into the people we are today. In fact, I am a true believer in the idea that we are always growing and always changing. For each new experience be it big or small influences our thoughts and feelings. We are all different and take away different life lessons. Even if we experience the exact same thing at the exact same moment. It's an amazing trait within individuals, we are all unique in every way. We all heal differently. I cry walk at the beach. May not be a pretty sight and it may not be for you, but it works for me. Which at the end of the day is the most important thing when emotionally healing.
The beach is my safe place, where is yours?
We would love to know the spot that makes you feel the most comfortable.
Thavin & Marcob is a place where you are celebrated for being you!