I am guilty, of what you ask? Allowing toxic people to take hold and run with my life however they see fit. It's a secret of mine that I have shamelessly hidden under my bed, but that stops now. For too long I have idly stood by while toxic people have used my life as a pawn in some game for their enjoyment. This has been a reoccurring problem throughout my entire life. From my younger naïve years before I knew what the word toxic meant, to just a few days ago when I felt their behavior was somehow acceptable. While I am not a pro at spotting a toxic person. I am getting better at walking away from not just a bad situation, but one that I know will never improve or grow with time.
What Does a Toxic person Look like?
When we talk about toxic people we are in truth referring to the behavior of individuals. It's the individual's behavior that is toxic, not the actual person. The majority of people who display toxic behaviors work certain roles acting them out based on the situation presented before them.
For example, it is not uncommon for a toxic person to respond to a situation in the role of a victim, a bully, or maybe even a perfectionist. The goal is for them to create an emotional response from those around them that provides them with their needed emotional response at that particular moment. In other words, it is possible that a toxic person will flip a situation and make it about them.
Thing That Toxic People Do
Toxic people tend to believe that every moment, every situation, every encounter is solely about them. If they find that they are not the only person at the center of attention. They will fight desperately to turn the spotlight onto them and only onto them.
Interacting with a toxic person has the affect of making you feel like you are on a never-ending emotional roller coaster. Once you become well versed in toxic people. You will find that there are stand out character traits that serve as warning signs.
RED FLAG - Beyond the fact that toxic people tend to flourish in DRAMA. There is also the fact that they will not accept "No" as a stand-alone answer. In fact, they will push for more information, for that something extra so that they can turn the situation back onto them. They want to find any way that they can cast themselves into the role of a victim, bully, or perfectionist.
What Toxic People Do To You
Toxic people are very good at making things be about them all of the time. Day in and day out, they are full of certainty that they can create situations in which they can play out their desired spotlight roles.
It is extremely important that you remember the actions of toxic people are not about you at all. It is about them trying to gain an emotion that will feed their needs. When you are in the thick of it, we don't always see it for what it is. We may start to feel like it is us. That we are not doing anything right like we are the problem. Before you know it the self-doubt that suddenly develops in your mind is justified and acceptable within your life.
Therefore if you find yourself:
-Feeling emotionally or mentally drained, you may be interacting with a toxic person.
-If you find that you are disregarding your own personal values and beliefs then you may be interacting with a toxic person
-If you feel like you need to hide your true self from an individual. So that a dramatic scene is not played out right before your eyes, you may be involved with a toxic person.
-If you find yourself going through the motions of life, feeling disconnected from the world, emotionally checking out, then you might be involved with a toxic person.
Toxic People In The Everyday
In a perfect world when dealing with a toxic person. You can let out a sigh of relief, smile, and walk away for good. Although when reality smacks you in the face you realize that perfect is not real and so a perfect world is sent to be just a distant hope in our overwhelmed minds. For some of us, you might find that the toxic person in your life is someone that you can not completely move on from. They may live in your household, they may be family, they may even be a part of your work environment. Since this is the case for most of us. There are healthy tactics that you can utilize to better your relationship and overall quality of life when interacting with a toxic person.
Creating distance is probably the most important thing to start creating between yourself and the toxic person. This can take on the form of emotional distance, physical distance, or in some cases both.
Creating and setting clear decisive boundaries with toxic people is a hugely daunting task, but one that is completely necessary. By creating boundaries for yourself, you are telling the toxic person that this is your line in the sand. If they cross it then you are no longer engaging with them.
Your emotional response is what feeds a toxic person. Remember they are playing what roles are necessary. So that you and your responses make them feel important, validated, and in the spotlight. Therefore it is important to remember the high value that is placed on your emotional responses. Controlling your reactions, allowing yourself to desensitize during these highly intense emotional occurrences will only benefit you in the long run.
You Need A Safe Place
You're going to need a safe place to decompress. Each interaction with a toxic person takes its toll emotionally and mentally. It's common for an interaction with a toxic person to leave you feeling completely and utterly exhausted. Which is why it is so important for you to have a place where you feel extremely emotionally safe for you to recoup from your encounter. It is also wise for you to have a fabulous support system. Let others know about your experiences. Sometimes just saying it out loud allows you to see the situation for what it is. Which is blankly put a problem that needs to be solved. This doesn't mean you're trying to fix the toxic person, that's not something that you can do, and it is not your responsibility to accomplish. What needs to be done is fixing and taking charge of how you react. Sitting in a safe place surrounded by loved ones talking about things are learning out how to best react is the surest way you are going to find that emotional and mental peace that you so desperately want back.
Knowing who you are, what you value, and what you truly believe in are going to be the foundation that you fall back onto when analyzing why it is you react the way you do when dealing with a toxic person. We all change through our different stages of life, so don't fear to look at these questions and think, "I have absolutely no clue who I am". Even if you have changed, the feeling you get deep within your gut when something is wrong will never go away. If it feels wrong, just walk away. If you have to convince yourself to stay, odds are you are not supposed to be there. Never forget that you are Immaculate, Amazing, Beautiful, and Damn Right Deserving of a Fabulous Life. Take no shit from toxic people because you are worth so much more!
Thavin & Marcob is a place where you are celebrated for being you!